Ottawa – The Spiritual Journey

Wow guys – I’m sorry about my inconsistent blogging! I’ve been pretty good about blogging every day but with traveling and being sick and work being busy – the blogs remain in my head for a few days longer than I’d like! But as promised…here is the spiritual journey I took to and from Ottawa, Ontario last weekend.

Chris and I have had our hearts set on London for a while. We weren’t quite sure why but we figured that we would do all in our power to be prepared for anything God might want to do. So this past winter we got our passports (can’t be sent if you can’t get in!). Well the passports came in…and a few weeks later an offer to visit Canada appeared in front of us. “Sure!” was our automatic response. There was something about Canada that just seemed…appealing. We didn’t care the cost or time, we just knew that we wanted to go (I give Joel partial credit for this…being all Canadian and cool). Anyway, as the trip approached the excitment grew. Something inside of me knew that I’d fall in love with the city and the people. And as most of you know, it happened. I’m in love haha.

Rachelle and Tyler amazed me. It was so great to spend a weekend with 2 people who are so incredibly in love with Jesus that they can’t help but talk about him all of the time. Walking up and down the streets of downtown Ottawa Rachelle thought nothing of speaking in a normal tone about how awesome Jesus is for saving her. She shared her testimony and was eager to hear ours. And man, Tyler is even bolder and louder for Jesus than she is! Tyler amazes me. He’s just this cool guy with such an amazing heart and passion. A guy who has literally seen miracles and knows the power of God. He lives his life with boldness. Seriously. This couple is amazingly contagious. Within minutes of being with them something inside of me felt humbled. “Why aren’t I like them? Why does my voice resemble a whisper IF the name of Jesus comes off of my tongue in a public place? I WANT TO BE MORE LIKE THEM.” Rachelle greets EVERYONE. She doesn’t get offended if she walks into a store and someone doesn’t say hi to her because she’s already said hello to them with a smile and joy that should be trademarked.

It got me thinking…if we truly believe that Jesus is king and we’re really trying to take our town/city/state/country back from the devil…why do we let unbelievers determine what we do and say? I’ve never heard anyone pray over food in a restaurant as loud as Tyler did Sunday morning. He’s not afraid of what people think. In fact. He knows what people think and is doing everything he can to change their minds.

And then there is the rest of the HEAT Worship Team. Each person individually is on their own amazing adventure through being a Christian. It was so great to sit around with them, listen to their stories and have discussions with them about books, movies, music, ministry and God.

HEAT really taught me about freedom and boldness. Normally I’m a shy worshipper. I go into my own little world and move around a little but mostly just lift my hands and praise God in my head and heart. HEAT taught me to worship God with EVERYTHING I am…and that includes my body. I was jumping around the dance floor with freedom that I haven’t felt in a long time. Free to dance. Free to sing and to shout and to be myself. I just closed my eyes, focused on God and went to that secret place where I was free.

The last thing I want to say is that this trip made me realize how little I pray and carry Jesus with me. Of course I believe in Him and love Him but I realized that a true Christian has Jesus inside of him/her at all times. A true Christian thanks Jesus for the smallest of things, not just the biggest. When someone is in love, they can’t stop talking about the person they’re in love with…shouldn’t we be the same with God? If we say that we love Him, we should be acting like we LOVE him. We need to be praying constantly if that’s what it takes to not forget about Him.

Anyway, I can’t think of a pretty way to end this blog so I’ll end it by saying this: Thank you Ottawa. You changed my life.

Dwelling

I love the word dwelling lately. It’s struck a cord with my soul. A dwelling place to dwell…I just instantly go into a peaceful state of mind. A location where no harm, stress or anxiety can get to me. There is no anger, there is no hurt. It’s just a nice place to be. A nice place to meditate on God. A place to enjoy His beauty around me. A place to learn and be corrected without anyone saying a word to me.

God is my dwelling place. His word speaks a loud. And I’m sooo excited to spend a week in the corn fields dwelling with Him and His people. To all going to Cornerstone – it’s easy to get swept up in the non-stop fun, but let’s not forget to dwell in Him. Find God in all that you do.

Oh Cornerstone, how I ___ thee

Well, it’s almost that time of year. The time when Chris and I pack the car to the top with camping gear, music gear, cameras, sunblock, bug spray and Clif Bars. Yup, it’s time for Cornerstone Festival 2009! And to be honest, this has been the first year I have had mixed feelings about it. It may be because last year’s trip was sooo long and ended sooo disappointing because of Chris getting sick and us having to 1-leave very early and 2-drive 17 hours with Chris not feeling well, after a trip to the hospital in the middle of IL, late at night. But anyway, here’s my run down of the good the bad and the smelly.

The good: This is the one time of year that for a week I feel completely free to be myself. Cornerstone brings out the creativity in me, the friendliness, the joy, the excitement…and it’s also the only place I go and (for the most part) don’t judge people. Yup, I said it. I judge people. Whether I like to or not, it happens. But at Cornerstone you just expect people to look, act and think different. I mean seriously, the seminars themselves should tell you that. In one festival you can attend seminars on: what God says about gays, womens roles in the church, modern evangelism, God in movies, the music industry, song writing and poetry, witnessing to the homeless, and missions going on around the world. Not to mention the goth presence, the hippies of the Jesus Village, the sports areas, the underground tent that draws in the heavy metal fans and hardcore group right next to the kid’s tent and the artists area. It’s an amazing gathering of ALL of God’s precious creations. And we obviously cannot forget that booming Afterhours Dance Barn that Chris and I are very much apart of. Ahhh, there is nothing like falling asleep in a tent under the trees hearing the thumping of the club fused with a late night worship band with just a touch of hardcore music. And yes, I do fall right asleep haha. When you hear God in all of it, it’s amazing what music you grow to like. So what else is good? The freshness of time with God. The friends we’ve made over the years and are very much looking forward to seeing in a week. The sunsets of Illinois are 10 times better than NY. The friendliness and acceptance of the people there. The music. Ahhh the music. So many great bands playing at all times.

The bad: The shower houses are horrible. They smell. They’re crowded. The curtains to most showers are torn. And it’s hard to be pretty with no hair dryers or full length mirrors. Sleeping in a tent for 6 days.  It’s fun the first few days – then I miss a bed in a room. Being the only girl (well okay, there are always a few, but you know what I mean!). As much as I really do love the guys that we camp and hang with all week, it’s hard not having a girl to sit around and chat with. I love dance music, but it’s hard for me to be in the dance barn 4-6 hours/night for 3-4 nights. I need my acoustic rock. I need my songwriter music. And THANK GOD I have a husband that understands and respects that. I know if I wasn’t there he’d spend all of his time in the barn so I appreciate that he knows I’m not like that. But, a big part of me feels guilty for “pulling him away” from the friends he only gets to see once/year. The friends that he’s always longing for, DJ/producer friends.

So I guess overall, the good outweighs the bad and that’s why we’re going, and that’s why I’ll be smiling (hopefully) the whole time. In the end, God, his people, and my husband matter more than the selfish “bads” I’ve come up with. I’m excited for the journey, the new people we’ll meet and of course the old friends that we’ve already made. So to Kevin, Dave, Alex, Brooks, Fitzpatrick, Glow, Kairsie, Kendrick, Joel, Jeremy and to whoever else I’m missing — see you soon!!! And Kevin, if you really bring me sweet tea, you’ll be my favorite for the week haha

Family Weekend Re-cap

So this past weekend my family and I drove to NJ to spend the weekend with mom’s side of the family. It started with temple for Alyssa’s bat mitzvah and then continued with a kosher lunch, hanging out in a hotel and then concluded at a diner for dinner with Grandma. The next day was all music and dancing for the “All About Alyssa” extravaganza.

Through it a lot of things came out. I realize that I have respect for the Jewish culture but to be honest, after being a Christian there is no way I would choose to go back to being Jewish again. It’s a life of tradition, “goodness” and family, but that’s about it. Scripture comes to life and has meaning when you understand that there is a savior and He has already come. Life has meaning when you have a relationship with God and aren’t looking back to events that took place on a daily/weekly basis. And there is so much joy and excitement to be had as a true Christian. Church, although serious at time, should always be joyful and exciting. It’s not about sitting, standing, reading, singing and following a schedule. It’s about living for God because of everything He did for us through Jesus. I guess the conclusion is that without Jesus, God isn’t as freeing and joyful as I know him to be.

My other conclusion from this weekend is a real big one for me. Family is important to me. I knew this, but I don’t think I really knew it until this weekend. When I was upset that my little brother had to leave early and I wouldn’t get to spend time with him and Caitlin. When I got to hang out with Craig and get to know Nicole all weekend and look forward to hanging out with them again soon. When I gave my dad a hug just because I liked being around him. When I helped my mom get ready (even though she didn’t like what I did with her hair!) When I got to dance with my cousins and take pictures together. When I gave my Grandma a hug and realized how long it’s been since I’ve seen her. When I saw my uncles on the dance floor and realized that sometime between then and now they learned to dance pretty well! When I saw my aunts and they didn’t look the same as they did last time I saw them…

It’s amazing how great life seems but then you realize that life could be better. Family does make it better.

Here is a video of the party…pictures on my facebook or click here.

Suddenly Jew

Funny title right? Well, it’s true. I was born Jewish but was never really Jewish. Then I became a Christian. And now, since then, I know more about being Jewish than I had before that. Thanks to Christianity being half about the Old Testament, I understand a lot more about my ancestors and the religion some of my family practices. With that being said, I will be spending my weekend with the Jews and the Spanish. haha. Seriously. My aunt is Jewish. My uncle is Dominican (or Puerto Rican? I never remember which it is) and we’ll all gather for my cousin’s turning 13 extravaganza. aka, her batmitzvah.  I’m excited. 1-because I love my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandma that I only see a few times/year. 2-because it’s a fun reason to get away, hang in a hotel, eat good food and dress pretty. 3-because I love dancing and having fun and 4-because going to temple is just..well..interesting. It’s amazing that the same verse out of the same origination can sound/feel and be preached in different ways. It’s a learning experience.  And I have one last thing to say. Thank God my Aunt paid extra money to have the service in English Rebecca’s was all in Hebrew and man that was hard to understand! haha

So here’s to a weekend allll about Alyssa

Flipping Switches

I wrote a whole blog while riding home from the city but decided not to post it. It was fake. I’ve realized that a lot of my writing isn’t the full truth. Not many are. I keep the light and fluffy stuff. I keep the truths that I’m proud to have discovered. I write the ups and not the downs. But that’s not really how life is. It’s just how many of us Christians act. We’re so afraid of what others think that we’re the fakest of them all. We’re afraid to show others that we aren’t living perfectly for the fear that we’ll be judged our looked at differently around our friends. We’re afraid to say we messed up and AREN’T fixed yet. That the life lesson hasn’t unraveled and we’re still laying on the floor in pieces. And it makes me sick that the rest of the world is who we’re trying to save and yet they’re the ones who are comfortable in being their true selves. They’re not afraid to say that they drank a bit too much or openly talk about their problems. They know that they messed up and will talk to anyone who will listen about it. And as I made mistake after mistake this week, I felt lonelier than ever because I couldn’t pick up the phone and call anyone for help. I was ashamed and didn’t know what others would say. So I didn’t. And the downward roller coaster began. Eyes closed, gripping onto the handle bars. I was going for a ride and didn’t know what to do.

I’m afraid to say that I’ve sinned because someone may think that I cheated on my husband rather than let jealousy enter my heart. The bible says that no sin is greater than another, that all sin is the same, but we don’t act that way do we? We don’t actively show that gossip is no different than cheating. Or that pride is any different than true envy. Or that self destruction is any worse than murder. I wrote a blog about flipping switches. About how easy it is to go from right to wrong. And I pointed out everything that I did correctly. The wrong to right switch. That I was able to reach people where they’re at. To love without being loved first. To show mercy and kindness. To become friends with those I wasn’t friends with. But I didn’t write about how I made the wrong decision and went to a bar with a bunch of guys I work with and didn’t get back to my hotel til 1am. I didn’t tell anyone how I ended up in a restaurant owned and run by all gay men. And nope, I didn’t mention that I was actually confronted with the thought that I miss my old life. Not the old friends or single life, but the old me. The me that wasn’t afraid to be wrong or do the wrong thing. The me that went out drinking and partying and did the best she could with what she knew. The girl that went to a bar and woke up the next morning able to talk about everything that went wrong. Instead, I woke up pretending as if it didn’t happen so that no one would think any less of me.

I thought. “How can I show my face in church if people knew I had a drink?” “What if they knew that I lost my temper at a co-worker?” I want to have great Christian friends that I can call and tell them these things and have them help me through it. But I’m not at that point. I couldn’t get the truth to my mouth, forget about through my lips. When the cell phone came out I knew there were a handful of people I could call….but I just didn’t want them to know. So maybe the issue is with me. But don’t we all feel this way sometimes? When you know not to sin, and do it anyway, it’s much easier to hide and pretend it didn’t happen than face the reality of what you did.

A Surprising Saturday

Saturday was interesting. Paul and Angie, our friends from Ohio who recently moved to our area, were supposed to come over. They didn’t. I was supposed to enjoy a full set of the highly anticipated House of Heroes concert. We caught the last 2 songs. I was supposed to not enjoy Relient K live. But I did. It was a strange day. I was supposed to get all gitty and talk to House of Heroes once I saw them hanging out in the merch area ready to talk, but I didn’t. It was a strange day.

It’s always weird realizing that you aren’t the person you used to be. The old me would sulk all day that our friends didn’t come over. The new me sulked for a while because of the pain I knew my other half was feeling. 2 become 1 comes alive. The old me would get pissed that we missed the reason we came to the concert and left early. The current me sucked it up, smiled, and had a good time anyway…and realized that Relient K is amazingly more talented than the radio will ever let them be and their lyrics are much more powerful when sung right in front of you with the emotions the song was probably written with. The old me would be jumping up and down during the concert, getting as close to the stage as possible. The new me enjoyed being behind all of those girls and watching them be the girl I used to be. The old me would flip out at the chance to chat up her favorite band and get as many pictures as possible. The new me realized that my favorite band averages the same age as I am and they’re just some cool guys from Ohio. The new me had nothing to say, especially missing their set.

The old me would be sitting at work frantically trying to finish everything that needs to get done as quick as possible. The new me took some time out of a crazy day to sip her coffee, listen to some great worship music and write a blog.

Conclusion? Finding out who you are now is as easy as looking back at who you were and seeing how much you’ve changed. Enjoying the new you is what will bring happiness into your life and help you to not live in the past.

“It’s funny how you find you enjoy your life when you’re happy to be alive” – Relient K

From NY to Ohio

So it’s Sunday night and Chris and I are sitting in our favorite spot in Ohio – the Radisson in downtown Akron. We discovered this beautiful hotel and decided to not only come back this year on the way home, but on the way there as well. But let me back up…

Friday after my half day at work Chris and I left for our 11 day trip. First stop – Malta, Ohio to visit his friend Paul and his wife Angie and their 7 month year old son Johnny.

Excited to get there and anticipating a quick ride, our goal was to arrive at 11:30pm – leaving us about 10 hours to get there. Well with crazy traffic in NYC, a bit in NJ and some more in PA, we arrived close to 2am. The ride was fun – stopped at our roadside favorite, Bob Evans and a few others. So with eyes half open we all greeted each other and quickly called it a night. Saturday was extremely eventful in all senses of the word. I knew we would be helping run a True Love Waits event for their youth group (they’re the youth pastors of their church) but I didn’t know that the day would be filled with mini events. Throughout the day I discovered a bit more about their tiny little town and a lot more about myself and my not so small seeming town.

Malta is the epitome of small town area, one of which being extremely effected by our economic changes. In a place that once must have been a haven to those escaping city life, the town is now struggling to survive with little work, little money, lots of water ready to overflow into some of the homes and a high rate of drugs, depression and teen suicide. Now before I get into more, I want to say that I met some of the coolest kids in their area (hi Micayla! Sorry if I spelled your name wrong!)

and immediately fell in love with Paul, Angie, Johnny, their church friends and I am NOT putting down their town at all – I’m merely explaining how truly, location can change your life and your future. Fishkill, NY (where I live) hasn’t been affected by the economical changes. Now before anyone bites my head off, let me say that I would have bit my head off before taking this trip as well. I’ve spent months hearing and complaining about gas prices rising, the cost of living going up, the overpopulation problem, the cost of flying etc. And ya know what, that all seemed important until this trip. Imagine living in a town that literally has no jobs, even for those with an education. Imagine a town that closes at 7pm leaving kids with literally nothing to do. Imagine having a home and literally not having the money to fix something when it breaks or buy food for the month. These are the lives of good people with educations living through an economic crisis. I show up complaining that I couldn’t find a Starbucks in the entire state of Ohio…it was a reality check. I know that if I lived there, I would be living the same life with the same worries. Instead I’m living in a beautiful apartment complex, own a car, have a good paying job with opportunities to grow, a brand new camera, an iMac, a cell phone, a laptop…and I’m complaining about WHAT??

But our visit was great anyway. I learned a lot. I got to hang with some cool kids and play with the cutest baby I’ve ever seen in my life (no offense to you other babies reading this! haha). And I really developed some friendships that I hope will grow into long lasting relationships.

So I guess this is it for now…we leave for Illinois tomorrow to go to Cornerstone Festival. I can’t believe I’ve learned so much and we haven’t even begun our anticipated

adventure.

Oh…Hi! Oh!!!

Get it? OHIO! Ohio and I have a very special relationship. I think I may be the only New Yorker who loves Ohio. There were others – but those that I knew of, moved there. So is that how it works? You live somewhere – you find somewhere else you like better – so you move there? Seems to be. I seem to have that small (haha) factor of waiting for God to tell me to go. So you may be thinking – is this Jess saying that she’s moving to Ohio? Nope – it’s not. Is it me saying that I secretly hope that I do? Yup.

Many people do not understand my obsession with Ohio. Chris didn’t, until we went last summer that is. In my opinion, it’s the best state I’ve been to in the US. It’s a perfect balance of beauty, peace, excitment, and all that the US has to offer. It’s not the middle of nowhere but it’s definitely not a big city place. It’s got the feel of the midwest-country hospitality but doesn’t move as slow as the south. There are cities to visit and work in that are driving distance from miles and miles of open land. The grass is green and the sky is blue. It’s just the most beautiful place I’ve ever been to and it just feels like home when I’m there – even though I’ve never been able to call it home.

So the reason I’m telling you all this? Chris and I are going to Ohio again! We were supposed to stay there overnight going to Cornerstone (in Illinois) and overnight on the way home but our trip has been extended! We’ll be staying 3 days in Ohio, 2 of which in tiny Malta, a town in which Chris’ friend lives with his wife and newborn son, and then another night in familiar Akron, where we stayed last year.

I’m nervous. I’m nervous for 2 reasons. This amount of time in Ohio will either confirm my love for Ohio and cause me to return to NY bummed to be back as I did last year, or it will bring me to the realization that Ohio isn’t the peaceful haven that I have in my head. I know it’s wrong to anticipate disappointment but I guess I am. Hopefully this will change sometime within the next 3 weeks

In case you don’t know my history with Ohio – here it is. My dad went to Ohio University for his undergrad. He loved it there. He played football for the school and the one picture I adore of my father was when he was younger - its a beautiful photo of him in the grass wearing a bright green ohio shirt and sporting a 70s fro. It’s the only time I think I’ve seen him THAT happy and full of life. He transfered out before graduating to go to college with my mom in Brooklyn. Based on his stories I know he doesn’t regret his decision – but he does recognize how different his life would have been should he have stayed in Ohio. Fast forward to my high school experience, where I meet and date a guy who lo and behold – is preparing to go to Ohio University. *Note this is NOT Ohio State, this is a small private school in the same state.* We stay together while he’s there so I went out to visit a few times and I fell in love with not only the school, but the state. The campus is beautiful, as are the people and the town in little Athens, Ohio. I beg my parents to take me out to Ohio to look at schools and discover that one campus is prettier than the next. I applied and got early acceptance into Ohio University as a journalism major with a minor in dance. I was so psyched to be just like my dad and go to his school. I even wore MY Ohio shirt in my high school yearbook! Then senior year of high school got weird and I freaked out. I didn’t want to take a plane to go to school – so I didn’t go. I stayed in NY and went to school in the 3rd cloudiest, rundown, lifeless city in America, Binghamton. Needless to say, I spent many hours regretting my decision but ultimately know that my life wouldn’t be what it is right now if I had gone to Ohio. Chris and I went to Ohio last year, as noted above, and he loved it as much as I do. So we’ll see what happens this year!

Here’s our schedule as of now:

June 27-29: Malta, OH
June 29-30: Akron, OH
June 30-July 6: Bushnell, IL
July 6-7: Akron, OH
**July 7th – our 2 year anniversary!**
July 7th – return home to Fishkill, NY