I wasn’t going to set a New Year’s resolution but it seems God had a different plan. Right after the new year He told me to stop gossiping. WHAT? ME? I’m not a gossip! *Immediate offense begins.* But the thing I’ve learned about God is that He’s always right, whether I agree or not. So it took me a few days but finally I decided to ask Him “okay, how am I a gossip? I don’t see it.” And since then I’ve noticed the little things that I do and say that aren’t pleasing to Him.

In the dictionary, the meaning of gossip is “a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others” or “rumor or report of an intimate nature”. Still, I didn’t think that was me. I’m really not known for walking around telling secrets and blabbing about who said and did what with ill intentions. But the thing is, the bible’s definition of gossip is a lot more cumbersome than the dictionary’s. God definitely holds us Christians to a higher standard. The bible teaches us that our words should not be idle and should be pleasing to God. Our words should build others up, not put others down. Our words should be spoken in love for ALL and never be boastful or full of pride. Fairly quickly I understood what I’ve been doing wrong.

It’s not that I’m a gossip in the worldly sense, but the truth is, many things come from my heart and out of my mouth that are not pleasing to God. You see, your words can go in 2 directions: pleasing to God or not pleasing to God. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a third option of “eh, I guess that’s okay” or “I really don’t care about that.” If God cares about every single hair on our head, I think he probably cares about every word we speak. Sure, giving someone a recipe could probably fall in that “I don’t care” category, but seeing as you’re sharing something positive with someone else without any pride in your heart, I think that’s probably a “pleasing” conversation. See what I mean?

Whenever God puts something like this on my heart I start doing research on what I could possibly do to change. Of course pray and ask God to change me but I’m a bit more of an action person than a “wait for a change” person. So I found a devotional called “30 Days to Taming Your Tongue” and have committed to reading a chapter each day and doing an evaluation of what came out of my mouth every night. I’m also journaling any reflections I have or things I feel from God about this. I don’t have much to report as I’m only on day 3 but I must say that I’ve already become more aware of the good and bad things I do/say each day.

I propose a challenge to you. Take an account of 1 day of your life. Evaluate the things you say and the intent to which you speak them. Take a look at your motive during conversations and the way you TRULY feel about certain things/people, whether you say them or not. And if you find things that aren’t up to the standard you think they should be, commit to changing. It’s a hard hard thing to do as a woman, but seeing as at the end of our life we’ll have to give an account of EVERY word spoken, it’s definitely a journey worth taking.

BUT the good news is that I’m almost 17 weeks, have regained my energy and lost most of the sickness, and am going to attempt to be posting again

That’s the biggest update in my life. Little Miss Charlotte is almost 19 months and is as cute as ever. She’s running all around, coloring on everything, dances whenever she hears music and enjoys making music with her daddy in his studio. She’s also talking a lot and communicating with us so life in that sense has gotten a lot easier.

Hubbie is doing great – working at the same job and going for more certifications. He’s been doing a lot of studio work and is releasing his first full length album in just a few months! In addition he’ll be going back to Ottawa (sans family this time) to play 2 gigs in 1 night So exciting!

With the holidays my couponing seemed to have slowed down but I’m happy to report that the budget wasn’t broken too badly and our family is still completely debt-free, including car payments! We’ve even started saving for Charlotte’s college…something we didn’t know would be possible on 1 income but that’s God for ya! Such an amazing way to live life!

And as for God in our lives, well He’s definitely been working hard picking up the slack that this pregnancy has caused. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that in September I became a Sunday School teacher at my church for the 4-5th graders and love every minute of it. They’re full of ideas and energy but aren’t to the point of being jaded with worldly confusion and opinions…it has really been a wonderful experience. I have 2 high school aged assistants who make my life 10x easier and I’m so blessed to have them in my life (and classroom)!

So I think you’re all caught up on my life. Hope your holidays went well and I hope to be posting a bit more frequently, at least until the new baby arrives in June

Me & Charlotte

Christmas 2011

*Disclaimer: As I’ve mentioned before, I’m in no way affiliated with Proverbs 31 Ministries, just a huge fan.

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I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain by Renee Swope
a Proverbs 31 Ministries Devotional

“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a (NIV, 1984)

I knew I needed to talk with someone about the pain that was still buried in my heart, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I was tired of hurting and afraid I’d fall apart or slip back into depression if I let it all come to the surface.

I didn’t have time for falling apart. Plus it was in the past and I thought it would eventually just go away.

Have you ever avoided dealing with pain because it would take too much time? Or have you tried to pray away the pain only to realize healing is a process, but one you’re not sure you want to go through?

Although we can’t go back and change circumstances or relationships that wounded us, we can go back and process our pain with Jesus. In fact, we won’t heal from our hurts unless we do.

When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows.

This happened in my relationship with my husband several years into our marriage. I don’t know exactly when it started, I just remember feeling a lot of anger and realizing I had a critical spirit towards JJ.

One day I sensed God showing me damaged emotions from my childhood I hadn’t dealt with or healed from. Circumstances that happened in my past were now hindering my present, casting shadows of fear and doubt over my future.

I decided to make a time line of my life, marking key “emotional” events. As I prayed over it, I wrote down any painful emotions and memories I could remember.

Although it wasn’t easy, I asked the Holy Spirit to remind me of experiences and relationships that had wounded me, what affects they’d had on me, how far from God they took me and how they had hurt me and others.

Years of disappointment as a child in a broken home with a broken heart led to a significant sense of loss. Yet, I never grieved the happily-ever-after I longed for but didn’t have. Unfulfilled hopes led to bitter expectations.

During that time God showed me how I wanted JJ to make up for what my dad had never been as a father to me, or as a husband to my mom. Hoping to create my own version of “happily-ever-after,” I became controlling and critical.

I thought if I could get JJ to be the husband and dad I wanted him to be, my broken dreams would get put back together. Maybe he could provide security and shelter for the little-girl-emotions that were still crushed inside my heart.

But my strategy wasn’t working. Instead, I needed to cry out to God with my hurts and call on Him for help. And, I needed to take time to respond to what He was showing me.

Time to seek God for my security and hope by letting Him be the father I longed for. Time to grieve things I wanted from my father that I would never have. Time to invite God into my hurting places so He could heal my wounded emotions and set me free from my fear of never having a happy ending.

Finally, I needed to forgive my father and release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. I also needed to confess my sin of unrealistic expectations and let go of what I thought was my right to “happily-ever-after.”

It was a process that took time, prayer, courage and tears, but it was worth it. Over time I was able to let go of my past and my pain as I took hold of hope and healing. I was also able to accept JJ for who he was and trust God to make him the husband He knew I needed, instead of the one I wanted.

When we allow Jesus to search our hearts and bring His perspective into our pain, redemption comes. Whether it is the pain from our yesterdays or hurts from our todays, when we give Jesus time to pour His truth into our wounds, His love flows into our pain and makes us whole again.

Dear Lord, please give me the courage and help me take the time to walk through the process of letting You heal my hurts and restore my heart with hope. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

And it got me thinking…

If we’re born with that instinct to TRUST and we’re later taught to NOT trust, doesn’t that mean that the bible is right when it says to TRUST God? He created us to trust…so shouldn’t we AT LEAST trust HIM? If we get this excited over a little girl saying “Yeah! Yeah!” How excited must God get when we say “Yeah! Yeah!” to him.

Sunday was my first time teaching Sunday school at my church. It was great. It was fun. It was challenging. And it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. But do you want to know how long it took me to say “Yeah! Yeah!” to God’s promptings to do it? Months…if not more. I’ve been talking to my pastor for a while about how to get more involved but the truth is, without trusting him and trusting God it was pretty impossible to say yes to anything. I wanted to get more involved but I didn’t trust that it was the right place for me. I’d gotten in the mindset that my involvement in this church was temporary and so it didn’t make any sense to be more than the sometimes Sunday goer. I said no to God’s plan. I didn’t agree. There was a part of me that was so blocked that I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could get hurt…and without responsibility, commitment or dedication – there was really no chance of getting hurt. But this weekend I discovered what happens when you say “Yeah! Yeah!” with the faith that God will protect you and give you what you need. And I hope to stay in this place that He has put me for a while.

And a last thought. Recently I heard a pastor ask the question “are you growing in God?” and I immediately, out loud, said no. Didn’t even think about it. Just knew the answer. And I’m now realizing that’s what happens when you don’t have “Yeah! Yeah!” in response to “Jessica, do you want…”, “Can you…” and “Do you want to try…”

So this morning I did what we all do. I wept a bit and felt sorry for myself. I distracted myself with Facebook. I dragged myself around the house considering all of the things I should probably do. I stared at the baby monitor and told my daughter to go back to sleep (as if she could hear me). I read a magazine and cut out some recipes. I tried giving myself a pep talk. I told myself not to call anyone to complain. And then I looked at my desktop background with my reminders of things I should do BEFORE coupons, facebook, emails, Swagbucks and chatting with hubbie online. It reads “Read Devotional. Read Bible. Mvelopes.” Crap I didn’t do any of those. I guess I should. So I walked into my dining room and turned to Day 26 of the 31 day devotional I’ve been doing for close to 50 days (yea) called “The Finisher’s Destiny.” I then chuckled to myself at how someone who felt the need to read a devotional about being a finisher is taking so long to finish it. I then wonder how many people didn’t finish it and got a bit prideful that it may take me months but I WILL finish it. But I digress.

Day 26: RENEWING YOUR STRENGTH

“And let us not lose heart and grow weary and fait in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint. So then, as occasion and opportunity open up to us, let us do good [morally] to all people [not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage]. Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith [those who belong to God's family with you, the believers].” – Galatians 6:9-10 AMP

“That He (God) would grant you, according to the rices of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man.” – Ephesians 3:16

“Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!” – Psalm 27:14

“…He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.” – Isaiah 40

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippeans 4:13

Once again, God gave me what I needed. So nothing about my day has changed. It may be “one of those days.” I may have a case of the Mondays. But the truth is, it’s only my heart and my relationship with God that will determine what type of day I truly have. The facts are the facts and the events are the events but the heart…now that’s something I can control and God is going to give me strength to do that.

I’m not there yet…but I’m determined to get there before lunch.

When we were babies - if you napped around the same time and your moms were friends, you were best friends and saw each other almost every day.
When we were kids - if you liked the same toy or had the same hobby you were best friends and played every day.
When we were teenagers - if you liked the same band or store at the mall you were best friends and hung out almost every day.
When we were single young adults - if you liked the same bars/clubs you were best friends and hung out every weekend.
When we were dating young adults - if you liked the same movies and restaurants you were best friends and hung out every few weeks.
When we were married young adults - if you liked the same board games and take out you were best friends and hung out maybe once a month.
When we were married young adults with children - if your kids got along and napped at the same time and work schedules aligned and there were no family obligations you were best friends and hung out every few months.

I can’t go any further because I’m not at those stages yet but I’m GUESSING until your kids move out of the house, it only gets more and more difficult to keep a best friend. And yet the bible talks about friendships so obviously they’re important…so how do we do it? As an introvert it’s something I’m working on and struggling through every day. I know there are people out there who just go to social gatherings, make a bunch of friends, casually get together with them and are completely happy and satisfied by those type of relationships…but that’s just not me. I’m a 2 good friends type of person. I love being a best friend, not an acquaintance. I hate forgetting people’s names so it’s much easier to only have to remember a few of them. I’m bad at remembering details of people’s lives so I’d rather know everything about 2 people than a little about 10. I like sitting down and talking for hours about everything, not talking about the weather and the kids and whatever else we can find to chat about. I’m getting better at doing it but it’s just not naturally who I am.

So why would God create me to be a certain way if it doesn’t fit in with the stage of life I’m in? I don’t know really. Maybe He’s pushing me to not be SUCH an introvert. Maybe He knows the desires of my heart but also knows that my lifestyle can’t handle such a “needy” friendship. Maybe He knows that there are a lot of people out there who would be great to have influence on my life and all of those traits don’t exist in just 2 people. And maybe there are more than 2 people out there who need something from me.

The thing I am learning is the timeless knowledge that you get what you put in. I have to constantly ask myself “what type of friend do you want?” “Well, then what type of friend do you need to be?” If you want to have a friendship with someone a lot of times you have to take the first step. Make the first move. It’s like dating all over again. Suck it up and ask her to coffee. Or to come over for a playdate. Maybe it’s just saying hi with a smile next time you see her. If we think back to dating and treat friendships the same way (minus the intimacy obviously), I think we’ll all develop some great, meaningful friendships that are a bit less than “best friends” but definitely more than just acquaintances.

For the past 2 months I’ve been studying the Song of Songs with some friends and it’s been a really interesting and fun addition to my life. We’re watching Mark Driscoll’s series called “The Peasant Princess” (www.peasantprincess.com) and although we don’t agree with every word that comes out of his mouth, I think we’ve all grown as married women because of his wisdom on this sexy, sexy book.

My question to you is – have you ever read the Song of Songs in depth? We’re studying it word for word, chapter by chapter and it’s truly amazing how beautiful and poetic each scripture is. It’s so weird to think of scripture as being sexy but how else do you describe a sentence that reads “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.” Yup, that’s in the bible. It also reads “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Too poetic? Well here’s a nice blunt one for you “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – for your love is more delightful than wine.”

Now tell me that the bible isn’t sexy? If you’re a married man or woman and haven’t read the Song of Songs I highly recommend you do. It’s truly a beautiful book and story. There is so much to learn about how to keep your marriage full of passion and love and Mark Driscoll really helps you to take these scriptures and turn them into concepts that are easy to understand and actions that will help you develop your marriage in a healthy and beautiful way.

That being said…

I’m fasting non-social television for an entire year. That means that I will not watch tv or movies unless it’s in a social setting (ie: date night, friends over, kids program with my daughter). You might think it’s really not a big deal but to me, it is. You see, when I’m having a bad day, I enjoy putting on a movie and drifting off to a land of characters I love and can relate to. When I don’t feel well, I love laying on the couch and watching countless episodes of Gilmore Girls. My husband spends 3 nights/week in the studio producing music and a lot of times I scan through Netflix and watch a show or movie to enjoy the peaceful night by myself. All in all, I didn’t watch THAT much tv…but I think God got tired of my reason for doing it.

Mid April 2011 I spent one evening watching “Eat Pray Love” staring the wonderful Julia Roberts. I loved the movie. I sat there soaking up each funny line and relating to each emotion felt whether it was the food, the friendship, the feeling of love, a past of pointless relationships, or the spiritual journey one goes through at some point in their life. But with all of that, there was one scene that got me teary-eyed…and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the intention of the writer. See the picture below:

Surprised huh? Honestly, I cried because she was sitting in a comfortable environment, enjoying reading a book. Yup. That made me cry. God used that scene to show me how much time I waste watching other people experience life. I love reading. And writing. And dancing. And trying new things. And talking to friends and family. I’m a smart, creative, fun person and yet when I have a moment to myself I don’t feel that way. I drown myself in worlds that don’t exist. Actors are known for saying ever so (un-intentionally) harshly that these characters and towns we grow so fond of don’t actually exist…they’re just shows. It sounds sad to admit to the world but can anyone relate to this disappointment? There’s no Rory Gilmore running around Stars Hollow and no JD waiting for me in Sacred Heart Hospital. Have you ever gotten so wrapped up in a show or movie that you forget that not only doesn’t that place exist, but you are completely ignoring yourself and your life to engage in it?

I still haven’t figured out the entire plan God has for this fast but I don’t find it coincidental that I’m blogging again and finding new and creative ways to spend my free time. For example, instead of watching a show or movie while folding laundry, I listen to podcasts and sermons I missed at church. And instead of drowning my bad days with a good movie, I’m reading books that are uplifting and help my imagination run wild and free.

Some days are hard…some days are easy…but all in all, this is going to be one crazy journey!

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” – 1 Cor 10:31

In church, on the radio, in books, we hear week after week about so many topics but we don’t hear too much on how being healthy is biblical. But it is. I proved it above. God has given us our bodies to take care of, to nourish, to value, to appreciate. But do we do it? How many of us overindulge in sweets? Under nourish our bodies? Cut out entire food groups to lose weight? Worship the number on a scale or on a tape measure? Talk more about how we look than how we ARE?

I’m fed up. Really, I am. I’m fed up with myself and every other person who joins me in this battle. God gave me this body for a reason. He gave me it to take care of, not to beat up so that I look the way I THINK I should look. Do you really think God created us all with individual minds, gifts, spirits and passions but meant for us to all look the same? Do you think it’s possible that MAYBE, just maybe, all women aren’t supposed to be a size 2 and all men aren’t supposed to wear a size 32 jeans.

I’m tired of looking at a number on a stupid piece of technology and judging myself on it. Crap, I gained 3 lbs this weekend…guess I should go on a diet. YES! I lost 2 lbs! What an achievement! Really? Is that how God sees it? I really don’t think so. So why can’t I?? It’s such a battle that controls many of us.

I’m all for eating healthy, exercising and taking care of our bodies. That’s definitely what God wants us to do. But the rest of it, I’m just not convinced is the way we’re supposed to be living. We need friends, not a scale, to hold us accountable and motivate us to reach our goals. We need God to guide us on whether or not to eat dessert, not the guilt we feel in the pit of our stomach. We need sunshine and joy to motivate us to exercise, not some overly processed magazine image or fitness-obsessed personal trainer.

It’s a battle. It’s a struggle. But it’s something we NEED to keep in perspective in order to be who we’re TRULY supposed to be. I know I know, says the “tiny” girl. But seriously, don’t judge a book by it’s cover nor a person by their appearance. You have no idea what people struggle with. Don’t judge, reach out and help one another.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard that some people believe the rapture will happen on Saturday May 21st and the world will end October 21st, 2011.

I personally do not believe this will happen. I’m not going to go into why and I’m not looking for any debates. This isn’t what my surprise post is about. It’s about the wonderful quote “If you don’t believe in (or stand for) something, you’ll fall for anything.”

At this point I’m just asking you, do you know what you believe? You DO or you DON’T. And it’s important to realize that everyone is entitled to this…but it doesn’t make either of you right.

Some people believe the world will end in 2011.

Some people believe the world will end in 2012.

Some people believe that no one knows when the world will end.

Some people believe in God.

Some people don’t.

Some people believe in more than one God.

Some people believe that chocolate is the best ice cream flavor.

Some people believe that vanilla is.

Get my point?

Know what you believe in and stand for it. Don’t let someone else’s belief sway you if you don’t feel they’re right. Don’t say things you don’t mean and don’t do things you don’t think you should do.

It’s an easy concept but it’s a hard action. I just wanted to take a few minutes to encourage you. Believe in something. You have as much right as anyone else does.