Making the Hard Decision

There are times in life that we know what we’re supposed to do; whether it’s something a teacher tells us to do, a parent encourages us to pursue or a feeling coming from within. Those decisions are easy decisions. We know we’re supposed to do something and then we have to choose between 2 options: doing it or not doing it. Clear cut, black and white, yes or no, there is a correct answer. Listen or don’t listen.

But then sometimes in life we have to make hard decisions. Decisions where there is no right or wrong. Where we have to make a choice without having proof that it’s the right thing to do. There is no crystal ball saying go down this path and God hasn’t shut all other doors making this choice the only option. It’s a hard decision that no one else can make for you – you just have to make it and see how things play out based on that decision. It’s the scariest choices in life but in the end, the most rewarding. These choices help challenge our beliefs and make us weigh our priorities. They make us grow as individuals and help us become a better version of who we are today.

I had to make a hard decision recently. I had to decide what I wanted to do once my maternity leave ended. For months I’ve been fantasizing about being a stay at home mom. To spend the day raising my daughter the way I see fit and not missing a precious moment of her life. About not being controlled by “the man” and working a desk job. But these were all fantasies. They were “Jess daydreams.” I wasn’t the type of person to just quit her career to stay home and be…a housewife. “Just” a mother. The person who cooks, cleans, does laundry, changes diapers and joins a mommy and me group. I worked my butt off in high school. I went to a great, but very hard college and graduated with a good degree. I worked not 1, but 2 non-paid internships to advance my resume in the pile of entry-level applicants. I worked summer jobs and temporary positions. I finally landed a good position in a company that pays for me to travel and stay in fancy hotels. I worked my way up and have favor among the decision makers in the company. I get bonuses and raises. I’m somebody in the career world and I worked hard to get there.

But then the tears formed. Day after day, night after night. Mostly in secrecy as I was confused by these feelings. I was supposed to go back to work and help provide for my family. To do my part. We got Charlotte into the daycare of our choice and I was able to have a fully paid 3 month maternity leave. It was all set. The plan was in motion. But still, the tears came more and more each day. Until finally I broke down and had to admit that it wasn’t emotions anymore. There was something inside of me screaming that my priorities in life had changed and it was time to make a decision. The hard decision to be a stay at home mom. That I would still be “doing my part” for my family, it just wouldn’t be in a financial way. Instead of rushing off to day care I would be making my husband’s coffee in the morning and seeing him out the door. Instead of chatting with coworkers over coffee I will be sipping my coffee as I wake my daughter up for her first feeding of the day. Instead of attending morning meetings I will be strategically planning my day. Instead of doing lunch with co-workers or reading a book I will be tickling my daughter and watching her smile and make noises that she hasn’t made before. Instead of returning calls to international companies I will be making doctors appointments and running errands. Instead of sitting in traffic trying to get home I will be making dinner so my husband can have something to look forward to while sitting in traffic. And instead of trying to get a million things done in my non-work time AND spend time with my family, I will enjoy the overwhelming peace that comes along with our new, tight budget.

So goodbye Outback Steakhouse take-out, goodbye coffee & lattes every weekend while shopping, goodbye buying things whenever I want and goodbye fancy restaurants & parties in the city. Instead, I choose my family. I choose the smiles and laughter. I choose the peace and home-cooking. I choose the budget. I choose the careful spending. I choose being “just a mom” and realize that it’s not that at all. It’s the right decision for me.

*Disclaimer: I’m in no way putting down or judging any mother that has to or chooses to work. I think it’s one of the hardest things a woman can do. It’s just not the right decision for me right now.