Rock bottom and up again – 11/16

This has been a weird few days. I came home from the city completely beat up. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Physically tired and drained from getting 4-6 hours of sleep each night and working 11 days in a row. Plus traveling all around the big NYC – including random “jump in a cab and go” trips from Javits to specific hotels for my boss, a night spent all dolled up and jumping around on a dance floor and a last night of returning to my hotel way passed my bed time. Fun adventures, but exhausting. Mentally worn out from the constant abuse of a co-worker and the overwhelming negativity of certain personalities; as well as the “on your toes” thinking 95% of the time I was working (I crashed around 4pm every day and claimed that my brain was taking a quick power nap). And finally, spiritually drained from too little good going in and not enough bad coming out. I was hiking in the desert. I started out well – pumped myself up before leaving with church, prayer, fasting and a promise to read my bible daily. By the 3rd day of my trip I was out of water and had nothing to combat what was to come. And little did I know that a small (seemingly) insignificant drip of the world would enter my soul and torture me from within.

I took Thursday off to recharge. I woke up at 9:21am and by 10:30am I was in the kitchen on my knees sobbing like a baby. I realized how drained I really was. How beat up mentally I had become by other peoples words and how desperately I couldn’t live without God and his word in the front of my life.

For the past month or 2…or 3… I’ve noticed myself letting little things in that weren’t there before. A little bitterness here and a little offense there, but nothing that seemed “wrong.” But my friend let me tell you, a little of this and a little of that make a lot of something. I sat on my kitchen floor gripping my bible realizing for the first time in so long how precious my book is. It’s the words of God. It’s the answers to all of my problems. It’s my water, my fuel, my lifeline. And it sat on my nightstand in between my bottle of evian and my ipod alarm clock as I let the world beat me up. As I let myself beat me up. No longer would I let it happen. I covered myself with psalms, prayer and a plea for true forgiveness – not only for myself, but for me to forgive others.

Skip forward to today…my first day back in church. And let me tell you, it was the first time in a long time that I was 100% there. I fell deep into worship, I ate up every word our guest pastor spoke. I left with tears in my eyes because I knew that God was preparing me for something big…as he always is. Nothing is without purpose. And I know that if I hadn’t seen how such small decisions and attitudes could push me so far away from God, I wouldn’t be ready for what he has for me in the future.

What does he have for me? Well I don’t know the timing or any details but I know England is one thing. Not sure if it’s a visit or a residence, but I’m believing that God will be sending Chris and I over to the other side of the pond to do his work. I know that Paul and Angie have moved to our area for a reason and am believing that God is going to do amazing things musically with us. And I know that with time, I’ll be a mother of who knows how many.

So here it is Sunday night and I feel refreshed. Physically from sleeping, mentally from relaxing and spiritually from true repentance, forgiveness, and a re-introduction to who God is and who I’m called to be in His name.