Flipping Switches

I wrote a whole blog while riding home from the city but decided not to post it. It was fake. I’ve realized that a lot of my writing isn’t the full truth. Not many are. I keep the light and fluffy stuff. I keep the truths that I’m proud to have discovered. I write the ups and not the downs. But that’s not really how life is. It’s just how many of us Christians act. We’re so afraid of what others think that we’re the fakest of them all. We’re afraid to show others that we aren’t living perfectly for the fear that we’ll be judged our looked at differently around our friends. We’re afraid to say we messed up and AREN’T fixed yet. That the life lesson hasn’t unraveled and we’re still laying on the floor in pieces. And it makes me sick that the rest of the world is who we’re trying to save and yet they’re the ones who are comfortable in being their true selves. They’re not afraid to say that they drank a bit too much or openly talk about their problems. They know that they messed up and will talk to anyone who will listen about it. And as I made mistake after mistake this week, I felt lonelier than ever because I couldn’t pick up the phone and call anyone for help. I was ashamed and didn’t know what others would say. So I didn’t. And the downward roller coaster began. Eyes closed, gripping onto the handle bars. I was going for a ride and didn’t know what to do.

I’m afraid to say that I’ve sinned because someone may think that I cheated on my husband rather than let jealousy enter my heart. The bible says that no sin is greater than another, that all sin is the same, but we don’t act that way do we? We don’t actively show that gossip is no different than cheating. Or that pride is any different than true envy. Or that self destruction is any worse than murder. I wrote a blog about flipping switches. About how easy it is to go from right to wrong. And I pointed out everything that I did correctly. The wrong to right switch. That I was able to reach people where they’re at. To love without being loved first. To show mercy and kindness. To become friends with those I wasn’t friends with. But I didn’t write about how I made the wrong decision and went to a bar with a bunch of guys I work with and didn’t get back to my hotel til 1am. I didn’t tell anyone how I ended up in a restaurant owned and run by all gay men. And nope, I didn’t mention that I was actually confronted with the thought that I miss my old life. Not the old friends or single life, but the old me. The me that wasn’t afraid to be wrong or do the wrong thing. The me that went out drinking and partying and did the best she could with what she knew. The girl that went to a bar and woke up the next morning able to talk about everything that went wrong. Instead, I woke up pretending as if it didn’t happen so that no one would think any less of me.

I thought. “How can I show my face in church if people knew I had a drink?” “What if they knew that I lost my temper at a co-worker?” I want to have great Christian friends that I can call and tell them these things and have them help me through it. But I’m not at that point. I couldn’t get the truth to my mouth, forget about through my lips. When the cell phone came out I knew there were a handful of people I could call….but I just didn’t want them to know. So maybe the issue is with me. But don’t we all feel this way sometimes? When you know not to sin, and do it anyway, it’s much easier to hide and pretend it didn’t happen than face the reality of what you did.